Failing Conquest
by retroelectric
Summary: Gasping for breath in between his hacking coughs and in a weak attempt to cover up his laughter, Ban rushed over to the bathroom at the back of the cafe before he lost it.


**Title: **Failing Conquest

**By:** retroelectric

**Author's Note:** I got this idea, oddly enough, from this Singapore-made local kids drama series. The episode was about this really posh, uptight and most importantly hardcore vegan girl who tries to influence this family to go out of their way to become true vegans, but in the end failing miserably. The story is pretty funny in itself despite what you might think, so I thought, what if Kazuki was like that girl (as in hardcore vegan) and tried to influence Ginji and the rest? Would he succeed? **Before you think otherwise, I do not dislike Kazuki nor vegans/vegetarians/people who worship vegetables, on the whole.**

**Warnings:** Crack! fic, could be OOC

**Disclaimer:** I really think that Ban and Ginji want to bonk each other. Really hard. Other than that, I don't own a thing. Except for the storyline, of course, and that goes without saying.

* * *

Ginji could only stare in wonder as Kazuki, the willowy Thread Master debated heatedly with Paul the cafe owner about - of all things; coffee, and nearly all semblance of elegance that had become second nature to the Thread Master was gone. 

It had started out as an innocent order from Kazuki. "A cup of decaffeinated coffee with low-fat soy milk, please," Kazuki had said, smiling gracefully at Ginji as he took a seat next to him.

"We have no decaffeinated coffee," Paul stated neutrally from behind his newspaper. "Would you like a normal cup of coffee, instead? That's what this store sells here."

Kazuki gaped, as though disbelieving, at the older man who was still scanning his eyes across a page. "I do not consume caffeine!" Kazuki said in an insulted tone.

"Does it even matter, caffeine or not? Coffee is still coffee with or without it," Paul replied still in that nonplussed manner of his.

"Some people don't want a stimulant drug in the drink that they consume," He responded blithely, starting to glare at Paul through the newspaper. He came all the way down here just because he had run out of his supply of organic, decaffeinated coffee, and the organic store just wasn't open this early in the morning. And now... this? "Caffeine in coffee can affect the memory of people if taken regularly, and I don't want that to happen to me anytime soon." Ginji's eyes widened at the information. If that was true, then he had been doing the wrong thing all these years!

"I've served normal coffee to my customers for years, and I've never seen such a phenomenon happening. In fact, they keep coming for more."

"It's because they're addicted!" Ginji gasped aloud, but it went unheard. "Caffeine stimulates their nervous system temporarily and it would affect their bodies adversely. It is not a good thing!"

"As if that would deter anyone from coming into my store to enjoy a nice, hot steaming cup of CAFFEINATED coffee."

Kazuki laughed humourlessly. "It figures. Normal coffee is cheaper than its decaffeinated counterpart, and with Ban and Ginji's tab... well, it figures."

Paul balked at the implication. "What do you mean, this store is too cheap to sell _decaffeinated_ coffee?" Paul said disgustedly, finally putting down his newspaper and peering at the unusually antagonistic younger man through his dark glasses.

"I only mean that a REAL coffee shop sells decaffeinated coffee. Because that would attract customers who are vegetarians and who do not like the idea of having a drink which has a bunch of harmful chemicals in it."

Paul huffed. "I refuse to engage in a meaningless conversation about the harms coffee can bring with yet another narrow-minded vegan."

Kazuki huffed as well, and promptly stomped over to an empty booth at the back of the cafe and proceeded to sulk. Great, even Paul the cafe owner was very much against his vegan ways.

Ginji sat still on the stool, contemplating silently Kazuki's words. His hand went lax around his own cup of coffee. Staring into the drink, Ginji thought; was coffee really bad for his brain? Did it actually contain drugs in it? Most of all, why hadn't Ban-chan told him of it?

Glancing over to the scowling man, Ginji decided to confront Kazuki.

"Kazu-chan?" Ginji said in a small voice, hesitant and wary for another outburst.

To his surprise, Kazuki smiled gently at Ginji and gestured for him to sit across him. "Yes, Ginji-san?"

Ginji sat, and then Kazuki noticed his troubled expression. "Go on, tell me what's troubling you," Kazuki said soothingly.

Ginji forced a laugh. "Eh, well... I don't think it really matters..."

Kazuki held his gaze. "Everything about you matters to me, Ginji-san."

Startled at the honest admission from the Thread Master, Ginji began to speak.

"Well, Kazu-chan... It's just that..." Ginji paused again, then lasped into his stuttering as he noticed Kazuki's probing look. "What is decaffeinated coffee? Is it true that there are drugs in normal coffee? And that the drugs will make you addicted to coffee?" Ginji was looking decidedly more and more worried as he finished each question.

Kazuki bit back a grin as he realized what was bothering Ginji. Knowing his naivete, he probably didn't know that he, Kazuki, was a vegan. This was a perfect opportunity to clear his ex-leader's doubts, and maybe change his mind and make him become a vegan like he was as well!

"Have you noticed how alert you would be after you drink coffee?" Ginji nodded. "That is the work of caffeine. Caffeine is a chemical substance from the coffee beans which gives you a burst of energy and makes you feel less tired, and what a lot of people don't realise is that it affects their memory and health. It is also an addictive substance which acts like a drug." Kazuki said, sounding oddly like a walking and talking textbook.

"It also has other harmful reactions to your body, like spoiling your teeth and making it yellow. So if you don't want that to happen to you, don't drink coffee!"

"Really?" Ginji looked at Kazuki in an expression of wonder. Kazuki nodded grimly and looked at his watch.

"Oh, look at what time it is! I bet the organic food shop is already open, so I guess I'll be going there to get some decaffeinated coffee." He rose from the booth, gesturing to Ginji. "Are you coming? I have many things to tell you."

Ginji got up and followed Kazuki, giving a cheery wave to the cafe owner. "Bye, Master!"

Walking briskly to catch up with Kazuki, Ginji spoke amiably. "So, Kazu-chan, what else was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Do you know what a vegan is?" Ginji shook his head. "It is a person who doesn't eat or wear animal related products at all. And I am a vegan. It is good, you see. I have the power to change what I consume, and it is all for the good of the environment. I only wish there were more people like me who were dedicated to protecting the animals from slaughter!"

Ginji shook his head again. "No," Ginji said. "I could never imagine not eating meat! How do you survive, then?"

"That's where we're going. To the organic food shop!" Kazuki replied with a bit more cheer than he displayed back at the Honky Tonk.

The food shop looked like any other supermarket. Kazuki and Ginji walked past shelves and shelves of products which boasted labels like "100 Natural!", "Not tested on animals"and "Additive and Preservative Free!". Kazuki went on rambling to Ginji about the wonders of being a vegan.

"...Being a vegan, you do not have to suffer the guilt of eating the flesh of animals, or using its skin for clothes and bags. Imagine the pain and suffering animals like cows and chickens have to go through. They have to be killed to feed humans themselves. I mean, they have lives and have feelings of their own! Can you imagine, being born and bred in captivity and that they would eventually meet a grisly end under the knife?"

Ginji shuddered at the startling truth that Kazuki's revelation presented. His stomach lurched uncomfortably as he saw a mental image of a goat cowering in fear, as a burly butcher slowly approached it with a large chopper complete with a menacing grin. Ginji shuddered again and thought of all the meat he had wolfed down without a second thought. And after all this while, all this while... he had indirectly killed all those poor animals? He felt sick all of a sudden. He was such a cruel person! He couldn't forgive himself!

Kazuki stopped in his tracks. "Ginji-san? Are you okay? You seem a little pale..."

Ginji clutched his stomach. "I'm okay... I just... I can't believe no one has told me of this before!" Ginji paused to think and finally came to a conclusion. "You're right Kazu-chan! Being a vegan is good! And I am going to be one! I can't let all those poor animals suffer and die just because we want to eat them!"

Kazuki grinned and clapped his hands together in delight. "That's great, Ginji-san! C'mon, I'll show you how to be a proper vegan. You can't wear leather clothes because leather comes from the hide of cows. You can't drink milk, or eat cheese..."

Ginji interrupted Kazuki at once. "What? Why?"

"Because milk comes from cows, and it would be like stealing from them! We vegans drink soy milk instead!"

Ginji's face turned green. "But... but... I hate the taste of soy milk." His last few words were hushed.

Kazuki laughed. "Oh, you'll get used to it, Ginji-san. You do want to become a vegan, right? And protect the animals?"

Ginji nodded enthusiastically. "Of course!" He promptly went over to the shelf which held cartons of soy milk. And his eyes bugged out at the price written on it.

"675 yen?!" Ginji all but shouted.

"Ginji-san, keep your voice down!" Kazuki admonished, looking apologetically at the cashier who was looking at the duo oddly. "It's okay, I'll pay for it." Grabbing the tin of decaffeinated coffee and a carton of soy milk, Kazuki went to pay for it with his credit card.

Once they were outside of the shop and back to walking to the Honky Tonk, Ginji spoke again.

"But how come organic food is so expensive? I don't think Ban-chan would approve of it!"

Kazuki sighed. Ginji still had a lot to know. "It is because it is healthier and better than the other food products you see. You can be guaranteed it comes from a reliable and good source."

"Oh... okay..." It was?

"Yoh, Ginji. Where have you been?" Ban's voice sounded as both he and Kazuki entered the cafe.

"Ban-chan!" Ginji walked over to his partner and hugged him exuberantly. Ban grinned and made no attempt to push Ginji's arms off his neck. Finally releasing him, Ginji spoke with a smile on his face. "So, Ban-chan, I have something to tell you. I have decided to become a vegan!"

Ban looked at his partner's earnest face in piqued interest. "Huh... really...? Why?"

"Because Kazu-chan told me that eating meat is not fair to animals. They have feelings as well! And, oh, did you know that the coffee we drink contains drugs?"

Ban choked back a laugh. "Are you serious?" Ginji actually believed itomaki and all his crap regarding veganism?

"Yes! Ban-chan, you should be one with me, too!" Ginji bounced excitedly.

"What happened to the "I love meat" stance you had yesterday? You finished that delicious, juicy steak quite thoroughly, didn't you?" Ban replied, amused.

"That is in the past, Ban-chan! I am a new man now! A vegan through and through!" Ginji turned his attention away from Ban and looked to Kazuki, smiling widely. "Now, Kazu-chan! Let's have some decaffeinated coffee together!"

Ban choked on his own saliva upon hearing that, and coughed. Gasping for breath in between his hacking coughs in a weak attempt to cover up his laughter, Ban rushed over to the bathroom at the back of the cafe before he lost it. Slamming the door shut, Ginji, Paul and Kazuki stared at the trembling outline of the Jagan Master through the frosted glass and Ginji wondered for a second whether Ban was having a fit.

"Ban-chan? Are you okay?" Ginji called out, to no response.

All of his suspicions were eliminated as he heard a great roar of laughter that couldn't be masked through the thin walls of the bathroom.

Sliding down the door in large heaps of amusement, Ban muttered between giggles. "Ha ha ha... Decaffeinated -- ha ha -- coffee -- ha ha ha!" It was evident that Ban found all of this absolutely hysterical.

When he had calmed down and rid himself of his laughter, Ban opened the door and moved over to his usual seat. As though proving a point to Ginji, Ban spoke loudly enough to Paul for Ginji to hear.

"Ah, Paul, one coffee, with extra sugar and milk, please. Oh, and one for Ginji too... Oh wait, I forgot. Ginji can't take normal coffee with milk anymore!" Ginji bristled at Ban's words. "He has to drink DECAFFEINATED coffee with SOY milk!" Ban chuckled at his partner's expense.

Paul grinned. "Coming right up!"

* * *

"Mou, Ban-chan, why do you have to be so mean?" Ginji pouted at his partner in the darkness of their apartment that night. 

"Me? I'm not mean, Ginji. You're doing that to yourself just fine. No need for me to add to it." Ban smirked, drawing Ginji's muscular body closer to himself. "And what's all this about being a vegan, Ginji? I bet 1000 yen you couldn't even last for a week!"

"Hmph! You want to bet, Ban-chan? Then you're on!" Ginji huffed, but snuggled into Ban nonetheless.

Ban was still grinning as Ginji fell asleep instantly in his arms. This would be one interesting week for the both of them.

* * *

"Giving up so soon, Ginji?" Ban spoke bemusedly, savouring his coffee. Ban caught Ginji staring at Ban's mug and licked his bottom lip as though imagining how that would taste like. He wrung his hands sub-consciously around a non-existent cup of coffee of his own. "Remember, 1000 yen is at stake!" 

Upon hearing those teasing words, Ginji snapped out of it and balled his fists tightly. "So mean, Ban-chan..." Ginji muttered under his breath.

An idea tugged from a corner of his head. Sipping a little coffee into his mouth but not swallowing, he placed his mug down on the counter. Ban smirked deviously, and decided to ante up the playing level.

Roughly placing his mouth onto Ginji's and surprising him, Ban probed at Ginji's closed lips with his tongue. Ginji gasped, and involuntarily opened his mouth to submit to Ban's advances. He tasted warmth and heat and the sudden surge of lust as the teasing tongue explored the cavern of his mouth... and that was when he tasted it.

Coffee, still warm trickled into his open mouth and Ginji gasped at the taste. "Mmppfgh," was all Ginji could say as he devoured Ban's lips hungrily for more of the taste. But there was none as Ban pulled away from Ginji's mouth suddenly.

"Oi, don't do that or you'll scare all my customers away," Paul joked and tried to lighten the situation. Natsumi's face was scarlet red upon seeing the steamy kiss between the two.

Ginji gasped for breath and replayed the incident once again in his mind. Glancing to Ban's carefully-hidden smirk and triumphant expression behind his mug, a sudden realisation suddenly hit Ginji.

"Ban-chan..." Ginji growled warningly.

Paul grabbed Natsumi into the back room quick as lightning as Ginji proceeded to strangle and electrocute his partner.

* * *

It was the third day into Ginji's veganism, and despite his iron will, Ginji could feel himself getting desperate at his situation. 

What had complicated his situation was that Hevn had, surprisingly, been generous with the Get Backers and decided to treat them both to sushi. Ginji had bounced in glee upon hearing the news, and his mouth watered at the thought of sweet fried egg sushi. But all of his hopes were dashed as Ban's arrogant smirk reminded him that he was still playing that little game between the both of them.

'Damn Ban-chan and his ideas! I shouldn't have listened to Kazuki!' Ginji thought as the three of them walked to the sushi bar.

Ban had ordered plates after plates of his favourite sushi, thoroughly enjoying Ginji's growing discomfort. Ginji had picked somberly at his mushroom sushi, and that was when Hevn spoke.

"Gin-chan? Are you okay? Why aren't you eating your favourite sushi, the egg one?" Hevn said questioningly.

Ban answered that for him with a devious smile on his face. "Oh, you didn't know? He's a vegan now, so he can't eat meat and all that."

Hevn looked at Ginji with a renewed interest. "Really? I used to be a vegan, but I hated that I couldn't drink milk and have eggs so I quit being one."

Ginji couldn't find the words to reply to the buxom woman sitting across him. Ban looked at Ginji in a horribly irritating 'even-Hevn-can't-tolerate-being-vegan' look at him and Ginji could only ball his fists under the table to conceal his frustration. He chewed angrily at the tastelessness of the sushi in his mouth.

* * *

It was the fifth day, and Ginji felt like screaming aloud at the world in general, to ease all that frustration building up inside himself. He paced back and forth, unable to remain still as he thought and thought.

His mind went 'I cannot take this any longer, I need my meat and actual food!' but his conscience fought with it. I should think of all the animals being killed everyday, Ginji thought. But that very weak argument was losing to his own will, which was begging to just submit to his desire for eating meat.

And Ban was infuriating him. Teasing him with that coffee incident five days ago, and chewing onto pieces of meat in that way as though showing to Ginji that 'Oh, look at this juicy and tender meat I'm having right now, the way it tastes so much better than your soy products' and the way he licked and slurped at his fingers so obscenely it should have been banned. And he knew better than to be affected by Ban's taunting!

He would imagine Ban wouldn't let him live it off if he did submit and lost their bet. Kazuki would be very disappointed in him as well. So he endured it, no matter how painful it felt to him. Besides, it was only two more days...

But then again, he could smell a most delicious aroma coming from the kitchen of their small apartment. That aroma was tugging to his stomach, and he couldn't help but to make his way to the kitchen to see what Ban was doing.

Ban was stirring something in a pot, and he wore a black apron. He smiled fondly at Ginji as he entered the kitchen.

"What are you doing, Ban-chan?" Ginji questioned curiously.

"I''m making dinner for the two of us, of course." Ban gestured to the large plate of fried chicken on their small dining table, one of Ginji's favourites.

"But Ban-chan, I am not..." Ginji started, frowning and glanced furtively at the chicken. That chicken looked good... and he started salivating. No! It wasn't delicious! It was evil! Bad Ginji!

Ban interrupted Ginji's angry debate and held his gaze as he spoke. "Ginji, stop this at once. You don't have to be a vegan to prove a point to me or to anybody else. I'm canceling our bet, and you can't talk me out of it." Ban said with a note of finality in his voice, switching off the gas and scooping the broth into a large bowl.

"You think I can't do it, Ban-chan?" Ginji muttered indignantly, his will becoming weaker and weaker by the second.

There was no laughter from Ban, as Ginji had expected. "Of course you could do it, Ginji. You lasted for five days without meat, didn't you? But the thing is, being a vegan doesn't suit you. Eating only rice and soy products and nothing else can make you fall sick, and I don't want that. Plus you do look thinner than usual."

"I do?" Ginji asked.

Ban nodded and untied the apron from around his waist. "Now eat, dinner is ready!"

Ginji grinned happily and went over to Ban. He kissed his cheek, saying "Arigato!" over and over and proceeded to do just that.

Ban was right, it had been an interesting week for them.

* * *

"Ginji-san?!" Kazuki shrieked and drawing the attention of all the patrons of the cafe. "What are you doing?!" 

Ginji had been happily chewing on a thick ham and cheese sandwich when Kazuki went into the Honky Tonk. He had just wanted to stop by to give Ginji some vegetable faux-meat patties when he noticed something was wrong. Particularly what his ex-leader was chewing in his mouth!

Ginji swallowed, and smiled apologetically at the Thread Master. "I'm sorry, Kazu-chan! But Ban-chan said that being a vegan is a choice, and that if I was unhappy being that, I should just stop! And I am happy being a non-vegan, because I am not the one killing the animals for food!" He continued chewing on his sandwich.

Kazuki was speechless. Ban hid his triumphant smile behind his mug as he noticed the expression on the itomaki's face as though he was still reeling from a hard slap.

After all, life was all about one's choices, wasn't it?

**-FINIS-**

* * *

**I had fun writing this! Hope you enjoy it!  
**


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